How to rebuild yourself after a divorce?

 

No one likes the end of a relationship as it is always a difficult time to be in. No matter who ended it and what were the reasons, it leads to uncertainly and sceptical thoughts about the frightening future. But in the end, all goes well, and life goes on. And many of the people who undergo a divorce, end up finding a more fulfilling and meaningful life. 

 

But moving on after a divorce is easier said than done. It requires a lot of courage, strength, and patience to surpass the challenges posed by the divorce. The phase when a person undergoes divorce can be overwhelming and frightening. Divorce can make people feel uncertain about their past. But success comes to those who gather all the courage and gather back their fragmented parts and move on. 

 

People who decide to move on after a divorce do a few things that make them stand out from others who brood over their entire lives. The very first thing to do if you want to move on after a divorce is to focus on yourself and your present. It will mean to let go of your past and looking forward to a more promising future. 

 

But like others, you may experience a lot of turmoil and rollercoaster of emotions. Some days you will feel elated and positive, and other days you may feel sad and hopeless. But with patience and resilience, you will surpass all emotions and emerge as a winner.

 

Also, you need to understand when to hold on to a relationship and know when to let go of a relationship if you successfully want on to move on after a divorce. It means you need to understand what went wrong and what were the conditions of your divorce. You need to be very clear about what went wrong and who was more at fault. But it should not define your state of being as it will ultimately lead to a blame game and will cause resentment to form in your life. And you do not want that to happen. You should rather learn how to let go of resentment in a relationship. 

 

So when you look at what went wrong, look at it from a different perspective and that is from an angle that talks about what you could have done to make things better and fine. You should accept your mistakes and faults, process them and take ownership of your deeds. And then you should take a pledge not to repeat the same in your life again in your future relationships. It may be difficult to do so, but it will eventually relieve you of all guilt and pain and will help you move on. 

 

So how to move on after a divorce? Let's quickly learn how to...

 

1. Focus on yourself and your well-being. All that matters is your own health and you should focus on it. So, do not let divorce define you, your future and your life. Let it make you stronger and more committed to making a more promising future. 
2. Be honest and accept your mistakes. Learn from them and pledge not to repeat it in future.
3. Talk it out with your friends and family and people who are close to you. Talking is healing and when you talk it out with others, you start to heal. Also, you can talk it out to a different set of people as they all share a different bond with you. Family, friends and other close people help you and make you go a long way. So you can count on them.
4. It is okay to grieve for a while and then move on. It is normal for all of us to grieve and be sad. It's a human emotion. All of us have good days and bad days. Take your time and good days will come.
5. Let go of anger and resentment as it will cause more harm than good. When you hold on to anger and resentment, you hurt yourself while the other person lives freely devoid of what you are feeling. So break these patterns and let it go. Not for anyone else, but for yourself. 
6. Plan your future. Yes, what was supposed to happen, has happened. So you plan your future rather than brooding over your past. Once you plan for your future, you become forward-looking and start to take steps in that direction. 

Signs you are Being True To Yourself and Living a lie

 What could be more worst feeling or situation than convincing yourself of a thing in your mind, that you know is a lie in your heart? When you commit yourself to things that you do not want to do by convincing your mind, you are living a lie. It is because your mind and heart are not in consonance. And whenever you live a life to please others, doing things they want you to do not because you want to do them but because they expect you to do so, it is a strong indication that you are not being true to yourself. 

 And when it is the way live our lives, we struggle on a daily basis to keep ourselves happy and content. Deep down we know that we are going against our hearts, but we find it difficult to break this monotony. A lot of times, we often want to do things to explore our curiosity, but we are not able to do so, as our parent wants us to do something else. Also, many times, we face situations, where we end up doing things that our heart, does not conform to. And it is exactly what I am referring to. These situations reflect a state where we not being true to ourselves and it is not a good practice.

So you have to ask yourself, who is the person you want to please the most? Is it you or someone else, and in all probability, you will want to please yourself over anyone else? When you put yourself first and prioritise your mental well-being, you are staying true to yourself. 

 So what are other signs that indicate you are being true to yourself?

 

1. You are clear, upfront and honest about your needs, choices and wants. You understand yourself on a deeper note and understand what you want to achieve. You are not shy to put those things clear and loud to the other person. 
2. You know when you want to commit and when you want to say no. In fact, one of the signs of being true to yourself is that you have learnt to say no. It also means that you do not say yes when you want to say no and are pretty comfortable denying a request if it conflicts with your thoughts, plans, actions and beliefs. 
3. You are okay when some people like you and some do not like you, and you are pretty much sorted with that. You know that you are focussing on your own needs and so you need to sacrifice a lot of things. Some people may even go against you and bad-mouth you. But it doesn't affect you as a person. 
4. You focus more on your fundamental values, thoughts and beliefs than what people might think of you. What society thinks of you is of least concern to you, and you lease care about those thoughts. 
5. You only do things that you deem fit and right without seeking people's approval. And you are clear and smart enough to make a distinction between what is good for you and what is not. 
6. You are not afraid to change your course of action after taking a decision when you feel that you are not going in the right direction regardless of what people think and say. 
7. You allow yourself to evolve by learning new things and doing things that always interest you. Many people may say, that you are ignoring them when you devote your time to yourself, but you are very clear about what you want and what you do not. 
8. You are very clear about the things that conflict with your innermost thoughts and value system. You have done a lot of introspection, and you know what you want and what you don't. Also, these conflicting thoughts do not bother you as you know how to put a full stop to those conflicting thoughts by taking the right action, at the right time and with the right set of people around. 

 

So, these are the signs that indicate that you are being true to yourself.  

How to heal by reparenting yourself?

 

Inner child work is a process of taking a few conscious steps to heal and reparent your inner child that has experienced some form of trauma, neglect and abuse in childhood. And if you are reading this article, the chances are that you already have a wounded inner child and are looking to provide some first aid to it by reparenting it. 

 This idea of becoming your own parent may sound a bit off to many of you, but it is one of the most potent techniques to heal your wounded inner child. So what you have grown up and reached your adulthood? It is a proven fact that many people carry a wounded inner child within even when they reach adulthood. That's a different story that people do not want to acknowledge its presence and hide it under the garb of being busy or stressed. 

 Many times this wounded child is the key to our happiness, and if healed properly can lead to eternal happiness and peace. So healing your inner child is very important to your freedom and nirvana. But the big question is how to heal your inner child so that you free yourself from all the pain and troubles of life?

This process of healing your inner child is not easy, but it is worthwhile as it can lead to several benefits. It requires a systematic approach toward imparting healing by becoming a parent of your former self. Also, you need to acknowledge the fact that anyone can carry a wounded inner child, and our inner child is always with us. And if the inner child is wounded, it needs your care and healing. All you need is to listen to it and take steps to release it from the pain it is bearing for ages. 

 So what is inner child work and how does it work?

 

Inner child work is a psychological approach aimed at healing your inner child that was once wounded in the past and is yet not healed. This theory of inner child work believes that all humans were children once, and these children remain to be within us even as we grow older. You may not be conscious of your inner child, but it is pretty much there. It is your former self, or a sub-personality or alter-ego as you may call it. 

 

When you grow as an adult, this inner child may get activated when you experience life trauma that reminds you of some past traumatic and painful experiences. And it then tries to reach out to you. Many may deny its presence, but most people acknowledge an inner child. And when you acknowledge its presence, listen to it, communicate to it, embrace it and promise your protection you are in a way reparenting your wounded inner child. And it is what inner child work means. 

 

So how to perform inner child work and heal your former self?

 

1. The first step is to acknowledge the presence of your inner child and accept the fact that you have an inner child that was once wounded and it still is. You need to acknowledge that you want to heal and fix it so as to fix yourself up. 
2. Once you do it, you start to communicate with it consciously and welcome it to communicate with you too. It means you are trying to listen to what your inner child has to say and tell you. And when you listen to them, you will be surprised to listen to what they have to say to you. 
3. The third step to reparenting your inner child is to become its parent and reassure them of your presence and love. Tell them that you are sorry for letting them down in the past and that you won't let it happen in your present. You should also assure them that you will become their protection and that they should feel safe with you as you will not allow anyone to hurt them or take advantage of them anymore. 
4. The fourth step is to let your inner child heal by making regular contact with them, speaking to them and giving them what they want. 

 

And when you do these things, you will start to heal your wounded inner child and your present self too. The wounded inner child has sabotaged your present experience, but you can always fix them and fix your life too. And it is what is inner child healing or inner child work all about. 

5 soothing tips to heal your inner child!

 

Everyone has an inner child, but we often forget to recognize their presence. But even if we discount their presence, they sometimes mark their presence by reaching out to us. Sometimes when our inner child is hurt or wounded by the trauma of our pasts, it tries to reach out to us. So ask yourself is your inner child wounded and trying to reach out to you? Many of us have repressed memories from our past that resurface every now and then. And it is a strong indicator that our inner child is wounded and hurt. So how to heal your inner child?

 

Healing your inner child is very much important. And it is not important for anyone else but for your mental well-being and personal growth. When you acknowledge your inner child, try to communicate with them, and reassure them of your presence, they reach out to you more often. And when you reparent your former self, you discover a lot of aspects of your personality and past unfold. 

 

Before you attempt to reparent your inner child and perform what is called as inner child work it is important to find out about your inner child and if it is wounded or not. There are a few signs that you are carrying a wounded inner child such as you have low self-esteem, have trust issues, tend to overdo people-pleasing, hold onto resentment and grudge, fear of taking a stand for your self etc. 

 

Once you determine about your wounded inner child, you should start to work towards fixing them. And why not when you fix a wounded inner child, you are fixing your former self and liberating yourself from all the pain of yesterday. 

 

But healing your inner child is not so easy. You need to take conscious efforts to heal and reparent it via a technique called as inner child work. So how to go about it. 

 

First of all, you should accept your past, and accept that you have witnessed trauma and that your inner child got hurt and is stuck there. Once you accept the very fact about your past and former self, you create a space where your inner child may come out and try to communicate with you. 

 

So when your inner child comes out, acknowledge its presence and embrace it. This is the first step toward accepting your inner child and healing it. 

 

When your inner child reaches out to you, tell them you love them and are sorry that they have to go through all the hurt. You have to empathize with your former self and communicate to your inner child that you were small and could not protect them but now since you are an adult, you will make sure you will do everything to protect them and be their shield. 

 

Your reassurance is very much important as when you reassure your inner child of your presence and protection, it starts to develop trust and starts to heal. You may also consider writing them letters to communicate your feelings to them. Some people have reported saying that when they write letters to their former self or inner child, they respond back or write them back. And when you ask them how they feel, they tell you their true feelings. It is a transformational journey, and it will make you more self-aware. 

 

Another way to reconnect with your former self is to formulate a dialogue by gazing at yourself in the mirror and talking it out. You can also try journaling to reach out to your inner child. Another way is to look at your former pictures or albums and then think of those times. Some pictures will evoke good memories and some not-so-pleasant ones. But you should process them all. When you start to accept your past, you start to heal. 

 

You can also try to engage in meditation and try to meet your inner child in your meditative state, as it is a safe place to meet your inner child. Another technique is visualization, where you actually visualize your inner child and meet them in a safe cosy place where you feel empowered and in charge. 

 

So, these are the ways you can heal your inner child. If you know of some other ways to heal and reparent your inner child, please tell us about the same. 

9 Things you should never sacrifice for a relationship?

 

You should love yourself before you love anyone else. When you love yourself, you realise your self-worth. And when you realise your self-worth, you take a stand for your individual self. Yes, putting yourself before others is not selfish. When you love yourself, you learn to respect yourself, establish your own identity, and are not defined by your relationship or partner. In fact, you have a personality and identity of your own, and you should take a stand for yourself. 

Coming to relationships, all the relationships require commitment and effort to keep them alive and going. Relationships also require some compromise and sacrifice to keep them going. But there are certain things you should never sacrifice for a relationship, no matter how important the other person is. And if you do so, you end up losing yourself.

 1.your beliefs 

You are an individual who is respected in your circle for the independence of your thoughts, beliefs and values, and it defines who you are. So, if your partner or your relationship expects you to sacrifice your beliefs and fundamental values, it is an alarming sign.

 2.     Your independence

It is true your love your partner, and you are too giving in your relationship. But it doesn’t mean you should leave everything like your job and your financial security, and become dependent on your partner. It is not worth sacrificing your independence for anyone. 

 3.     You family

You are here because of your family, and your family is first. If your relationship creates a situation or your partner expects you to give up your family for the sake of the relationship, it is too big a compromise and is clearly, uncalled for.  

 4.     Your friends

Like your family, your friends are your first line of defence and your social support system. So, how do you intend to compromise and sacrifice your friends for a relationship? Never do that!

 5.     Your relationship with yourself

You have a relationship with yourself first before anyone else. So, if your partner or spouse doesn’t allow you to enjoy your relationship with yourself, it is a kind of sacrifice that you are making in your relationship.

 6.     Your interests and hobbies

Everyone has a passion and hobbies that they should diligently follow. But sometimes, relationship commitments keep you away from pursuing them. And it is okay, it is for some time. But if it has become a lifetime since you have found time to pursue your interests and hobbies, and your partner is asking you to give up them, it is a sign of compromise that you are making. Such a relationship is not worth it. 

 7.     Your dreams and desires

Every person had their own dreams and desires that they aim to achieve and swear by. So what's yours? Did you lose them chasing your relationship, keeping it perfect while ignoring your own dreams and desires? If that's the case, you are sacrificing a lot for your relationship, and it is something not good for your own mental well-being. 

8.     Your desire to travel

There are several benefits of travelling, and if you want to travel the world, but your partner always comes in between your desire and you, it is the time to rethink your relationship. In fact, they should be the first person to support you for your cause and not be an impediment. 

 9.     Your religious beliefs

Everyone belongs to or identifies with certain religious beliefs. Most of the time, your partner expects you to give up those and even stand up against your spiritual belief. And even after repeated attempts, your end up compromising on the same, you are sacrificing the most important thing. 

 So, why it is important not to compromise and sacrifice a few things in a relationship? When your relationship becomes full of compromise and sacrifice, you become a slave to your relationships, you stop enjoying your relationship, and your start to lose your peace of mind. And in such a case, love is the first thing to go. Also, when your relationship is full of compromises, your start to develop resentment and ego. Here is how to let go of resentment!

 So now you the things you should never sacrifice for a relationship, you should strive to correct them and achieve consonance. After all, your relationship with yourself and your well-being is as important as your relationship. 

How to stop pleasing people and focus on yourself

 

Are you a people pleaser who does things to make others happy? Are you someone who always puts others first and finds the act of putting yourself before others selfish? If you are in the habit of making others happy because you do not want to disappoint others, it is something you should stop doing. But it is easier said than done! So let us figure out how to stop being a people pleaser.

 What is people-pleasing?

 People-pleasing is the habit of putting others first always by overlooking your own needs. And when you do so, you come across as someone nice, docile, agreeable and yes-man. People-pleasers find it difficult to say no and often end up neglecting their own needs. 

What happens when you are doing too much of people-pleasing?

 Being nice and kind is always a quality to be cherished. But when you often ignore your own interests, mental well-being and peace of mind by saying yes to people when you want to say no, it is a matter to worry about. It is a kind of self-neglect. After all, you have your relationship with yourself first that you are ignoring. And when you ignore yourself just to put others first, you end up stressed and burnt out. 

 Also, always prioritising others first over your own needs is a strong sign that you are in a habit of devaluing yourself. It is a strong sign that you are being true to yourself. And no one wants that. It is always good to stay true to your inner self. And doing so is very easy. All you need to do is put yourself first and start saying no. It is not selfish or not against anyone. But it is something that you are doing to keep your mental health in check and keep your sanity intact. 

 Why are the causes you are into people-pleasing? 

 Many people are into people-pleasing but they do not know if they are doing it. Some people, in fact, enjoy people pleasing and derive some pleasure and security out of it. But what are the reasons people are into people pleasing? 

1. When people do not value their own needs and wants or even desires they put others first. It is because they have poor self-esteem. So if you see the act of putting yourself before others as selfish, it is not. It is your poor self-esteem. 
2. Many times people always say yes, as they are insecure that others will not like them or break their relationship with them if they start to say no. And it is nothing but their insecurities. 
3. Sometimes people find it difficult to say no or deny any help as they think they won't be accepted by society. Also, people are raised to believe that they are bound to help people regardless of anything. So, they indulge in people-pleasing. 

 So how to stop being a people pleaser?

 Establish clear cut boundaries: It is best to know what you want and what you do not want and then draw a clear fence around those wants. It means you clearly communicate to people, about what you are okay with and what you are not. You can tell others when you are available and when you are not when you can take calls and when you cannot, and when you can help and when you cannot.

1. Start to say small no’s: The first thing to break this loop of people-pleasing is to start to say small nos. And once you start small, you learn to say no in a big way. 
2. Focus on yourself: When you put all your focus on yourself, you tend to reject all the things that defocus you from focusing on your well-being. So it is always important to focus on yourself and do things you feel are important to you.
3. Set your goals: When you set your goals and work towards them, you tend to focus on essentials and eliminate non-essentials. So, when people suck up your energy with unnecessary requests and demands, you evaluate them in the light of your goals. And when you do so, you learn to turn down requests and break this habit of people-pleasing. 
4. Take some time: When someone approaches you with some demand, you should not immediately commit to it or say yes. Because when you do so you may regret it later. So, it is better to take up some time and think before you commit to something you are not sure about. When someone approaches you for some help, you should tell them that you need to think and then get back to them with your yes or no. Whatever you will say after thinking will be your decision and prevent you from unnecessary people-pleasing.